Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys I do…

Which is one reason why I can’t just beat up on them, as I’m not usually one for inflicting pain-for-pain’s-sake unless opportunity presents itself…

So, the other reason is that there is none of them are what I would term “Heavy Masochists”, and although they love the beatings I do give them, and I love creating a sensual and spiky world of pain with them, I’ve got the urge for something rather more primal and released right now…

I’m well known as a very huggy and caring Domme, and have oft said that there should be a Word for “someone that inflicts pain wiht due-care and attention to what the Masochist is receiving”… Yet I want and need to use someone(s) to release my pure sadistic side onto, soon.

I’m going to play them until I’m bored, rather than until I think it’s time that I let up on them. I suspect that it will be quite a while as I have a LOT of pent up sadist to take out on their back.

I want them to have eaten, and to have consumed no or minimal alcohol on that evening, I don’t want their body functions or state of more general health distracting me.

In pure sadist style, I’m not going to be in the mood to after-care them. That wouldn’t fit with the “Evil-bitch-queen-from-Hell” mood I want to create with and on them. I really do want to “use and discard like a rumpled tissue”.

All the above is very unlike me, but hey, sometimes a Girl needs to explore teritory unknown, but then, it’s not all unusual, as my caring head kicks in pre-scene, and is wondering if it is possible for them to arrange to friends with them that will make sure they are cared for until I come back from Top-space…

Given this need for pure sadism, I’m not at all interested in their feelings/fantasies/thoughts in this, bar any particular triggers, drastic phobias or other impedences that will stop me being untamed. I don’t have an invovled fantasy about what I’m going to do, what tools I’m going to use or how I’m going to play… I just want to be a true Sadist, and play someone who will turn up where I want, let me do purely what I want to do to them and thank me for it afterwards.

It’s going to be intense, and so I know we are going to need each other’s verification that we are OK, and support each other on the trip back, but not right away… I’m also going to need to lean on one of my boys until I come down again before I can check that the rumpled tissue isn’t in too torn a state…

Hopefully, all this will go to resolving the dichotomy I have in my head right now… As I know I may well feel guilt about what I want to do, and I’m hoping that by doing it, I can see I don’t have to be guilty about both the feelings, and the supressing of them “For the greater good” of not seriously hurting people… But I also have to remember that one of the most important people not to hurt is myself.

So, if I can make this a sort of regular thing in my life, I think it will be a good thing. Hopefiully, it will make me more rounded, and I won’t be quite as scared of what happens when I let the Sadist inside come out to play…

That, and externalising the blood-lust on someone that will fully appreciate it, can only be a good thing yes?