What’s with the name change???

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For a while now, I’ve been feeling way too restricted with the “Mistress” label.. It’s a narrow label that forces the people that wear it to be a certain way in the eyes of others.

I chose the name “Mistress Nikki” way back in 2004 or so, when I signed up to londonfetishscene.com and bondage.com, having started to go to munches a few months earlier. I really wasn’t very imaginative, I just tacked a Mistress onto my name!

And whilst it fit at the time, and still does in many ways, it also make people think and approach me with a “conditional mind-set”, I’m in a box in their head already, rather than just another human.

My lovers and submissives have gently mocked me at times for just how homely and Vanilla I can be the majority of the time. And I’ve replied, “Well, Vanilla is my secret Kink you know!” for about 7 years… (To which then generally reply “It’s not really so secret!”)

I also like some of the the various connotations that secret can have:

se·cret (sē′krĭt)
adj.

Kept hidden from knowledge or view; concealed.
Dependably discreet.
Operating in a hidden or confidential manner: a secret agent.
Known or shared only by the initiated: secret rites.
Beyond ordinary understanding; mysterious.

So, SecretlyVanilla – Right now, the far broader label suits who I am… And a little transformation is a good thing.

Either E != mc^2 anymore or didn’t but does now

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The last 9 weeks have been “interesting” to say the least.

A simple statement was made, and suddenly, the constants that I relied on for life had been proven incorrect… it really felt like I’d been told that Einstein had it all wrong and energy wasn’t actually equal to the mass of an object multiplied by the speed of light squared, but rather that some other arbitrary number as yet undiscovered was involved.

Emotional whiplash is what one astute person called it, as if g suddenly !=9.8m/s^2 anymore either.

However… (To extrapolate the astronomical and gravitational metaphors a little)

Hindsight tells me that I had been previously unaware of (subconsciously ignoring?) the effect that being part of a brightly shining binary star system was having on my personal set of universal constants.

After all, the heavenly bodies that have sufficient mass bend the constants around that mass, usually imperceptibly, but sometimes in a massive way, like a black hole does.

I’ve come to realise that the other star previously in this system was losing their mass/heat/shine gradually to both another hungry star and also every casual planet, moon & comet that passed by, and that the light I was giving off was not quite of the right frequency to replenish their energies.

I think that I diminished my shine so as to not detriment theirs even further.

So, when a third star that had more mass/heat and possessed the correct frequency light to replenish theirs passed close by, the gravitational effect meant that they were easily pulled away from me to form another star system entirely.

And that means that over the last year I was also feeling the pull of that gravity as it ripped at me and the constants within the system that was in existence at that time.

The constants were being moved about without me actively realising it was happening, as I had the (now shredded) trust that the star system I was in was a forever kinda deal.

* * *

So, now I’m again officially a lone star. It’s a state that I’ve not been in for 5 years nigh on, but my gut tells me that it’s a good thing.

My orbit is no longer being compromised by the pull of either of the other stars as they pulled toward each other and so ripped away from me with both half-truths and outright lies.

G is naturally reasserting itself (Universal gravitational constant = 6.673 x 10^-11 Nm^2kg^-2 for the real Geeks reading! 😉 ) and so my own g has snapped back to where it should be, at 9.8m/s^2.

So, Einstein is once more proven correct and Newton can rest easy in history.

The next few weeks are going to be tricksome for sure… I’m heading for a whole ocean of tears again for at least a little bit…

But, given that the planets & moons that I had anyway are amazingly supportive and that I have a wonderful new triad of planets that have found their way into my orbit, I’ll be OK.

I’m remembering what it’s like to shine again. And fuck me, it’s bloody AWESOME. 🙂

Yesterday, I took a moment in the sun…

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It’s been a while since I wrote anything about how I was feeling down in words. Over the last 15 months, I’ve had so much happen, and had so many thoughts in my head threatening to overwhelm me because there was no escape for them, for so many months…

So, I thought that I’d start my “cognitive scribbling” ball rolling again with something gentle, quite personal and sort-of poetic.

+++

I’d been travelling all afternoon, about 60 miles point to point, time spent getting home from a good night out with good friends.

I got home & settled in upstairs, as right now in my house, there is nowhere else to sit. As everyone I was with the night before was a smoker, I also had reason to take all my clothes off, everything I was wearing smells of ciggies, the only downside to a rather wonderful evening.

Still, everything washes, and I’m not generally a fan of clothes anyway, and so, as I sat in the bed, musing over IC, twitter and my Gmail in-box, the afternoon sun finally peekedout from behind the clouds, and came streaming through the bedroom window onto my back.

I realised slowly that the serpent of desire was coiling deep in my belly… The warmth of the sun feeling like a lover’s caress, one that’s been so long absent.

“Hmmm… ” I thought, as I as I read e-mails & caught up with the news, “I’ll have to deal with that in a bit”

Then, after about 10 minutes of idle clicking around websites, I got a text in a continuing conversation from someone that’s been making me smile a great deal recently, and so, as we chattered, he encouraged me to deal with the situation. After all, it was my whim, why should I not act on it?

So, I did. After all, self-love is important.

I’d decided previously that when I did indulge I was going to take my time, it had been a few days, and I like to let things “brew” between times.

My body, on the other hand, was having none of it.

The sun streamed through the window, warming me from above as “Harry Potter” (The Hitachi… well it is a Magic wand!) warmed me from below.

All too soon, I came. Arched back and ecstatic shudders, feeling the Sun smile down on my breast and belly.

30 seconds later, as my breathing slowed again, the sun went behind a cloud. A minute after that, one of my best mates rang (The sort that when they say jump, you just ask how high..) having an emergency that meant I was up, out and moving across London again to go help them out.

So, as I moved I was smiling to myself, I’m very glad that I listened to a good person’s advice, and took that moment in the sun.

Reflections of the year 2010

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1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Bought a house!!!

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No. I don’t make resolutions. Although, I have decided that 2011 is “The Year of No Compromise”

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! My Cousin had his Second child on Xmas eve, they called him “Rio” WTF?

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes.

5. What countries did you visit?

Holland.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

More love, less drama.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Too many to list. Mostly all for bad reasons that I don’t want to share with the world.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Completing Phase one of the Electrical Wiring and moving into the Big Bedroom.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not getting Phase 2 of the Wiring completed by the end of the year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Managed to throw my left Piriformis and Gluteus Medius into major spasm late summer, and was diagnosed with scary High Blood pressure in November.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My Motorola Milestone.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

@Grasshopper. He’s blossomed from an awkward, shy, insecure boy into a wonderful man/monster/sadist. That makes me proud.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

That I can name? Furry CatGirl. There are others that don’t get mentioned.

14. Where did most of your money go?

My House, and an un-related to my house series of Dramas that seem to have happened this year.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Taking my Yarn Business to it’s first big show.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Pass, not a radio listener.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?

Mostly Happier. Last year was a trial from beginning to end (which is a common theme for most people I’ve spoken too… Strange). Therefore, as most of the elements of fail and drama have been removed from my life now, 2011 has to be better!

There are still left-overs, but they are mostly now just loose ends that need to be dealt with.

ii. Thinner or fatter?

Dropped 3 dress sizes, so slimmer for sure.

iii. richer or poorer?

Unfortunately, Poorer. That’s what buying a house and a shed-load of yarn does for you!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

House rebuilding.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Crying in the toilets at work over my love life.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

I spent it nekked. First ever Autonomous Xmas, ensured that there was nowhere to go and no one to please except me. It rocked.

21. How many one-night stands?

A couple…

22. What was your favourite TV program?

As I don’t watch television, I can’t give a representative answer. However through the power of Friends and the internet I discovered True Blood and Dexter. Both Excellent.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Sadly, yes. Unfortunately, they still have influence over my life, but I’m hoping that will naturally fade away with time.

24. What was the best book you read?

I only managed 4 books last year. None of them were outstanding or memorable.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Again, not a radio listener.

26. What did you want and get?

I didn’t get what I wanted. So nothing.

27. What was your favourite film of this year?

Star Trek. It had everything. A cracking, plausable story, well written and enhanced by tip-top visuals, casting and characterisation.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

My actual Birthday was spent driving a van down the M4 to Bristol, to take the Cake, Flowers, Suits, Dress and all the other essential “stuff” to the Wedding of my two best friends. The evening was spent in a restaurent, with good friend, good food and good wine. There was even some most excellent sex afterwards as well.

Although, I treated the weekends before (London Munch), during (the wedding itself rocked, we partied hard!) and after (Docklands Munch) as excuses to celebrate as well, so it was an extended period of goodness.

I was 40. And I’m not ashamed of it!

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

I don’t follow fashion. So, as always, my fashion is “Whatever is closest to hand, and generally matches”

31. What kept you sane?

Knowing that I was stronger than all the bullshit and drama in my life that was there, lurking in the background, eagerly waiting to drive me insane.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

None more than the ones I fancy anyway. Silly question…

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

The Digital Rights Bill.

34. Who did you miss?

Someone that I was once very close moved away from my life around the end of May. Too much life drama on both our parts, as well as massive illness, death and love issues in their life meant we drifted as there wasn’t really room for me in there as well any more. Which hurts, but such is life.

35. Who was the best new person you met?

I think again I have to say @Grasshopper, although @foxycherry, @tied_n_tested, @Subbenn, @Torrelus and @claustrophilia all get an honourable mention.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

That one has to apply one’s own oxygen mask before even thinking about helping others. That, and even if you are able to help others, sometimes, you just can’t…

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly it’s hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain, feel so ashamed
–

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can’t bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can’t bring me down, oh no

So don’t you bring me down today
–

To all your friends you’re delirious So consumed in all your doom Tryin’ hard to fill the emptiness, the piece is gone Left the puzzle undone, ain’t that the way it is?

38. What did you learn about yourself this year that surprised you?

That I tolerated a massive betrayal in my life.

39. What is your proudest moment/achievement of 2010?

Same as 15 – Taking my Yarn Business to it’s first big show.

40. Why exactly are you blogging this on NYE on IC? Do you expect anyone to even bother reading this far down, and if so what do you think their opinion is of you?

Sometimes, some life recording is a good thing. I’ve been not writing about life for far too long. Events and the people concerned precluded me from doing so.

People always read to the end, that’s why other people write for them to read, isn’t it?

Their opinion of me? Same as it was before I’d imagine.

All things come to they who wait…

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I posted my desire for cold sadism pretty much 18 months ago.

In that time I’ve had quite a few people contact me “offering” their body to play with, but not actually what I’d asked for or wanted to do…

Most wanted a private 1-2-1 “dungeon”/PD style session, so they were out pretty much at the first hurdle. A few other others were OK with being at a private party rather than a club, but as none of our friends meshed, these also came to nothing.

One notable chap met me after a promising e-mail exchange, but then was very into discussing what I would do to him, what I would hit him with and how hard I’d go… Which is exactly not what I wanted in terms of tying me down to a script.

He also actually managed to scare me slightly with where he’d had been in terms of his masochism (heavy branding & the removal of pretty much all of his arse-flesh several times via filmed severe judicial canings for the English Dungeon) and although I have the highest respect for him and his capabilities, I suspect that his failure to turn up at the arranged club the following weekend is because he thought I was a lightweight. I don’t know… he stopped replying to my memos after our meeting.

So after that, I simply bided my time.

However, it seems that fortune favours the prepared mind, as a chap seems to have popped out of the wood-work that will 100% fulfil the criteria.

The play’s been arranged for this coming weekend by a mutual friend (who I know and trust) who will be there to look after him after I’m done (as I asked for), at a club (as I asked for), and the victim doesn’t want to know what I’m planning or interact with me beforehand, and possibly doesn’t want any contact after (as I asked for, and more than I hoped for!) beyond maybe arranging to do it again at some point. I know that he wants humiliation through masochism. I know he has no serious health issues, and I can trust that he will also conform to the other conditions of playing straight and sober.

I’ll also have friends there to look after me once I’m done.

It’s all good. It’s what *I* want.

And I’m really really looking forward to it.

*risks a @Princess_of_Subness -esque *Squeak-clap-giggle-bounce* and hopes she isn’t jinxing anything!*

My urge for some deeply Sadistic play…

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Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys I do…

Which is one reason why I can’t just beat up on them, as I’m not usually one for inflicting pain-for-pain’s-sake unless opportunity presents itself…

So, the other reason is that there is none of them are what I would term “Heavy Masochists”, and although they love the beatings I do give them, and I love creating a sensual and spiky world of pain with them, I’ve got the urge for something rather more primal and released right now…

I’m well known as a very huggy and caring Domme, and have oft said that there should be a Word for “someone that inflicts pain wiht due-care and attention to what the Masochist is receiving”… Yet I want and need to use someone(s) to release my pure sadistic side onto, soon.

I’m going to play them until I’m bored, rather than until I think it’s time that I let up on them. I suspect that it will be quite a while as I have a LOT of pent up sadist to take out on their back.

I want them to have eaten, and to have consumed no or minimal alcohol on that evening, I don’t want their body functions or state of more general health distracting me.

In pure sadist style, I’m not going to be in the mood to after-care them. That wouldn’t fit with the “Evil-bitch-queen-from-Hell” mood I want to create with and on them. I really do want to “use and discard like a rumpled tissue”.

All the above is very unlike me, but hey, sometimes a Girl needs to explore teritory unknown, but then, it’s not all unusual, as my caring head kicks in pre-scene, and is wondering if it is possible for them to arrange to friends with them that will make sure they are cared for until I come back from Top-space…

Given this need for pure sadism, I’m not at all interested in their feelings/fantasies/thoughts in this, bar any particular triggers, drastic phobias or other impedences that will stop me being untamed. I don’t have an invovled fantasy about what I’m going to do, what tools I’m going to use or how I’m going to play… I just want to be a true Sadist, and play someone who will turn up where I want, let me do purely what I want to do to them and thank me for it afterwards.

It’s going to be intense, and so I know we are going to need each other’s verification that we are OK, and support each other on the trip back, but not right away… I’m also going to need to lean on one of my boys until I come down again before I can check that the rumpled tissue isn’t in too torn a state…

Hopefully, all this will go to resolving the dichotomy I have in my head right now… As I know I may well feel guilt about what I want to do, and I’m hoping that by doing it, I can see I don’t have to be guilty about both the feelings, and the supressing of them “For the greater good” of not seriously hurting people… But I also have to remember that one of the most important people not to hurt is myself.

So, if I can make this a sort of regular thing in my life, I think it will be a good thing. Hopefiully, it will make me more rounded, and I won’t be quite as scared of what happens when I let the Sadist inside come out to play…

That, and externalising the blood-lust on someone that will fully appreciate it, can only be a good thing yes?

SM vs D/s

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“Being Dominant” – I’m not just here to wear a corset and serve a masochist/fetishist with their want for beatings/pain/humiliation/foot fetish/etcetcetc.

I think that “submissive men” are fed a porn-diet of the above. It really unsettles me, and I think devalues both roles. I also think that, whilst playing the “Porn Domme” can be great fun, the fact that this image of Domination is what is expected of a Domme, rather than the more harsh reality that we are people as well, and can be rather soppy, have monthly periods where all bets are off, are emotive and emotional, and just need cuddling and yes, even tender/caring/”Male superior position” sex from time to time devalues both the Submissive and the Dominant “mind-set”.

After all, being “Porn Domme” takes time and effort, and is ultimately serving the “submissive man’s needs” with minimal returns for Myself.

To my mind, this is the wrong way around. Unless you are being unconsensually bullying with someone, in “Pure SM”, the masochist is ultimately in control.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion, having been that “Service Top/Porn Domme” and discovered that whilst you get fleeting highs of making someone squirm and scream, there is no build up of anything deeper beyond that, that “Pure SM” is a rather self-limiting place…

I started investigating D/s about 2 years ago, and that has made my life far more rich. In the D/s dynamic, I’m here to be served and worshiped, and have My life made easier by willing and eager submissives. They run around after Me, and give me their time and energy and are rewarded with my smiles and hugs. I build ongoing relationships, which feed both of our needs, and create beautiful and fulfilling results.

So, the paramount quality I look for in a Submissive is the will to put My wishes and needs about theirs. If they have that, all else will follow usually.

Above all though, I’m kind, caring and very much a realist, and I do like making My Submissives happy in their role, so if they work hard to please Me, I usually will indulge with some Play, as after all, I do love making people squirm, scream and sigh with endorphin-bliss. However, this is not to be expected, it is as My whim, not theirs. SM becomes a facet of D/s, not the overriding reason for the interaction.

I now tend to “Do SM” in clubs, The dress-up, strut your stuff, show off elements are all wonderfully lovely, but don’t work day-to-day when you come home from work and just want a foot-rub and your dinner cooked!

Secretly Vanilla

Educator, Mentor, Polyamorous, Kinky, Knitter, (very) Silly, (mostly) Dominant, Sensual, Hedonistic and downright Fluffy…

What’s with the name change???