Tag Archives: Musings

What’s with the name change???

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For a while now, I’ve been feeling way too restricted with the “Mistress” label.. It’s a narrow label that forces the people that wear it to be a certain way in the eyes of others.

I chose the name “Mistress Nikki” way back in 2004 or so, when I signed up to londonfetishscene.com and bondage.com, having started to go to munches a few months earlier. I really wasn’t very imaginative, I just tacked a Mistress onto my name!

And whilst it fit at the time, and still does in many ways, it also make people think and approach me with a “conditional mind-set”, I’m in a box in their head already, rather than just another human.

My lovers and submissives have gently mocked me at times for just how homely and Vanilla I can be the majority of the time. And I’ve replied, “Well, Vanilla is my secret Kink you know!” for about 7 years… (To which then generally reply “It’s not really so secret!”)

I also like some of the the various connotations that secret can have:

se·cret (sē′krĭt)
adj.

    • Kept hidden from knowledge or view; concealed.
    • Dependably discreet.
    • Operating in a hidden or confidential manner: a secret agent.
    • Known or shared only by the initiated: secret rites.
    • Beyond ordinary understanding; mysterious.

So, SecretlyVanilla – Right now, the far broader label suits who I am… And a little transformation is a good thing.

Yesterday, I took a moment in the sun…

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It’s been a while since I wrote anything about how I was feeling down in words. Over the last 15 months, I’ve had so much happen, and had so many thoughts in my head threatening to overwhelm me because there was no escape for them, for so many months…

So, I thought that I’d start my “cognitive scribbling” ball rolling again with something gentle, quite personal and sort-of poetic.

+++

I’d been travelling all afternoon, about 60 miles point to point, time spent getting home from a good night out with good friends.

I got home & settled in upstairs, as right now in my house, there is nowhere else to sit. As everyone I was with the night before was a smoker, I also had reason to take all my clothes off, everything I was wearing smells of ciggies, the only downside to a rather wonderful evening.

Still, everything washes, and I’m not generally a fan of clothes anyway, and so, as I sat in the bed, musing over IC, twitter and my Gmail in-box, the afternoon sun finally peekedout from behind the clouds, and came streaming through the bedroom window onto my back.

I realised slowly that the serpent of desire was coiling deep in my belly… The warmth of the sun feeling like a lover’s caress, one that’s been so long absent.

“Hmmm… ” I thought, as I as I read e-mails & caught up with the news, “I’ll have to deal with that in a bit”

Then, after about 10 minutes of idle clicking around websites, I got a text in a continuing conversation from someone that’s been making me smile a great deal recently, and so, as we chattered, he encouraged me to deal with the situation. After all, it was my whim, why should I not act on it?

So, I did. After all, self-love is important.

I’d decided previously that when I did indulge I was going to take my time, it had been a few days, and I like to let things “brew” between times.

My body, on the other hand, was having none of it.

The sun streamed through the window, warming me from above as “Harry Potter” (The Hitachi… well it is a Magic wand!) warmed me from below.

All too soon, I came. Arched back and ecstatic shudders, feeling the Sun smile down on my breast and belly.

30 seconds later, as my breathing slowed again, the sun went behind a cloud. A minute after that, one of my best mates rang (The sort that when they say jump, you just ask how high..) having an emergency that meant I was up, out and moving across London again to go help them out.

So, as I moved I was smiling to myself, I’m very glad that I listened to a good person’s advice, and took that moment in the sun.

 

Reflections of the year 2010

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1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Bought a house!!!

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No. I don’t make resolutions. Although, I have decided that 2011 is “The Year of No Compromise”

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! My Cousin had his Second child on Xmas eve, they called him “Rio” WTF?

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes.

5. What countries did you visit?

Holland.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

More love, less drama.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Too many to list. Mostly all for bad reasons that I don’t want to share with the world.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Completing Phase one of the Electrical Wiring and moving into the Big Bedroom.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not getting Phase 2 of the Wiring completed by the end of the year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Managed to throw my left Piriformis and Gluteus Medius into major spasm late summer, and was diagnosed with scary High Blood pressure in November.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My Motorola Milestone.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

@Grasshopper. He’s blossomed from an awkward, shy, insecure boy into a wonderful man/monster/sadist. That makes me proud.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

That I can name? Furry CatGirl. There are others that don’t get mentioned.

14. Where did most of your money go?

My House, and an un-related to my house series of Dramas that seem to have happened this year.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Taking my Yarn Business to it’s first big show.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Pass, not a radio listener.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?

Mostly Happier. Last year was a trial from beginning to end (which is a common theme for most people I’ve spoken too… Strange). Therefore, as most of the elements of fail and drama have been removed from my life now, 2011 has to be better!

There are still left-overs, but they are mostly now just loose ends that need to be dealt with.

ii. Thinner or fatter?

Dropped 3 dress sizes, so slimmer for sure.

iii. richer or poorer?

Unfortunately, Poorer. That’s what buying a house and a shed-load of yarn does for you!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

House rebuilding.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Crying in the toilets at work over my love life.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

I spent it nekked. First ever Autonomous Xmas, ensured that there was nowhere to go and no one to please except me. It rocked.

21. How many one-night stands?

A couple…

22. What was your favourite TV program?

As I don’t watch television, I can’t give a representative answer. However through the power of Friends and the internet I discovered True Blood and Dexter. Both Excellent.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Sadly, yes. Unfortunately, they still have influence over my life, but I’m hoping that will naturally fade away with time.

24. What was the best book you read?

I only managed 4 books last year. None of them were outstanding or memorable.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Again, not a radio listener.

26. What did you want and get?

I didn’t get what I wanted. So nothing.

27. What was your favourite film of this year?

Star Trek. It had everything. A cracking, plausable story, well written and enhanced by tip-top visuals, casting and characterisation.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

My actual Birthday was spent driving a van down the M4 to Bristol, to take the Cake, Flowers, Suits, Dress and all the other essential “stuff” to the Wedding of my two best friends. The evening was spent in a restaurent, with good friend, good food and good wine. There was even some most excellent sex afterwards as well.

Although, I treated the weekends before (London Munch), during (the wedding itself rocked, we partied hard!) and after (Docklands Munch) as excuses to celebrate as well, so it was an extended period of goodness.

I was 40. And I’m not ashamed of it!

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

I don’t follow fashion. So, as always, my fashion is “Whatever is closest to hand, and generally matches”

31. What kept you sane?

Knowing that I was stronger than all the bullshit and drama in my life that was there, lurking in the background, eagerly waiting to drive me insane.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

None more than the ones I fancy anyway. Silly question…

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

The Digital Rights Bill.

34. Who did you miss?

Someone that I was once very close moved away from my life around the end of May. Too much life drama on both our parts, as well as massive illness, death and love issues in their life meant we drifted as there wasn’t really room for me in there as well any more. Which hurts, but such is life.

35. Who was the best new person you met?

I think again I have to say @Grasshopper, although @foxycherry, @tied_n_tested, @Subbenn, @Torrelus and @claustrophilia all get an honourable mention.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

That one has to apply one’s own oxygen mask before even thinking about helping others. That, and even if you are able to help others, sometimes, you just can’t…

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly it’s hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain, feel so ashamed
–

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can’t bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can’t bring me down, oh no

So don’t you bring me down today
–

To all your friends you’re delirious So consumed in all your doom Tryin’ hard to fill the emptiness, the piece is gone Left the puzzle undone, ain’t that the way it is?

38. What did you learn about yourself this year that surprised you?

That I tolerated a massive betrayal in my life.

39. What is your proudest moment/achievement of 2010?

Same as 15 – Taking my Yarn Business to it’s first big show.

40. Why exactly are you blogging this on NYE on IC? Do you expect anyone to even bother reading this far down, and if so what do you think their opinion is of you?

Sometimes, some life recording is a good thing. I’ve been not writing about life for far too long. Events and the people concerned precluded me from doing so.

People always read to the end, that’s why other people write for them to read, isn’t it?

Their opinion of me? Same as it was before I’d imagine.