“Being Dominant” – I’m not just here to wear a corset and serve a masochist/fetishist with their want for beatings/pain/humiliation/foot fetish/etcetcetc.
I think that “submissive men” are fed a porn-diet of the above. It really unsettles me, and I think devalues both roles. I also think that, whilst playing the “Porn Domme” can be great fun, the fact that this image of Domination is what is expected of a Domme, rather than the more harsh reality that we are people as well, and can be rather soppy, have monthly periods where all bets are off, are emotive and emotional, and just need cuddling and yes, even tender/caring/”Male superior position” sex from time to time devalues both the Submissive and the Dominant “mind-set”.
After all, being “Porn Domme” takes time and effort, and is ultimately serving the “submissive man’s needs” with minimal returns for Myself.
To my mind, this is the wrong way around. Unless you are being unconsensually bullying with someone, in “Pure SM”, the masochist is ultimately in control.
So, I’ve come to the conclusion, having been that “Service Top/Porn Domme” and discovered that whilst you get fleeting highs of making someone squirm and scream, there is no build up of anything deeper beyond that, that “Pure SM” is a rather self-limiting place…
I started investigating D/s about 2 years ago, and that has made my life far more rich. In the D/s dynamic, I’m here to be served and worshiped, and have My life made easier by willing and eager submissives. They run around after Me, and give me their time and energy and are rewarded with my smiles and hugs. I build ongoing relationships, which feed both of our needs, and create beautiful and fulfilling results.
So, the paramount quality I look for in a Submissive is the will to put My wishes and needs about theirs. If they have that, all else will follow usually.
Above all though, I’m kind, caring and very much a realist, and I do like making My Submissives happy in their role, so if they work hard to please Me, I usually will indulge with some Play, as after all, I do love making people squirm, scream and sigh with endorphin-bliss. However, this is not to be expected, it is as My whim, not theirs. SM becomes a facet of D/s, not the overriding reason for the interaction.
I now tend to “Do SM” in clubs, The dress-up, strut your stuff, show off elements are all wonderfully lovely, but don’t work day-to-day when you come home from work and just want a foot-rub and your dinner cooked!
How wonderfully put 🙂
A small piece of an article written by a Lady called Mistress Steele.
“What you do not want to do and should not attempt is to be manipulated into behaviors by your submissive or potential submissive. It is important for you to understand your position as one of DIRECTION, not discipline or punishment to create behaviors. You are NOT a submissives parent and should not in any way attempt that role, regardless of the submissives provocations. A favorite move by some submissives is to propel the behaviors of the dominants in their presence to encourage ‘discipline or punishment’ (attention) from the dominant which serves THEIR needs. This becomes a reversed (dominant) behavior toward the dominant. If you were to comply with such behaviors you are in a greater sense submitting your behavior to their control and direction, which would mean that YOU would be in the submissive role in the relationship.”
“Remember that ALL scening is reward. It is the Dominant giving attention to the submissive. Regardless of external appearance (discipline or punishment suggestions) this reward is offered when the submissive is offering their unique and powerful compliance to the dominant. Discipline when it does occur should not include scening but instead materials or lessons in an outside arena (many Dominants have their submissives write essays about a particular problem they are having) you can also have your submissive read books which you believe will broaden their understanding of themself and (my favorite) an outloud reading from a good book on etiquette such as (Emily Post). These types of activities are designed to be directly helpful to the submissive but not necessarily fun or enjoyable to them (as a nice spanking would be ).”
Sums it up rather nicely for me.
lucky
You said: “Above all though, I’m kind, caring and very much a realist, and I do like making My Submissives happy in their role, so if they work hard to please Me, I usually will indulge with some Play, as after all, I do love making people squirm, scream and sigh with endorphin-bliss. However, this is not to be expected, it is as My whim, not theirs. SM becomes a facet of D/s, not the overriding reason for the interaction.
I now tend to “Do SM” in clubs, The dress-up, strut your stuff, show off elements are all wonderfully lovely, but don’t work day-to-day when you come home from work and just want a foot-rub and your dinner cooked!”
Ditto.
One hand washes the other. Dominance, to me, has become more about responsibility than play. My last submissive (who is now one of the toppiest switches I know and still a very good friend) pointed out that the real magic of D/s is the synergy. We were both fine alone but together we were better than either of us could have been alone from a kinky perspective.
Like you I’m pretty pragmatic and self-sufficient. Some days I just want the foot massage and meal as well. Some days I love to cook, see it enjoyed, and then relax with a book while the kitchen gets cleaned up. The contact and connection with someone in service to you that you *both* take care with and of each other- to me that’s the important stuff.
SinPar
Just to chime in from the other side of the scale…
my role, as I see it in everyday life, is to make life easier for him. period.